Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible