Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
