WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
