I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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