I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
