The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
