AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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