Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
