I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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