he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
