The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
