If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i think my cat just said my name.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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