he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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