This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
