i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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