She told me I should be a condom model.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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