Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
