Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
