So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
