the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
