Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
