OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
