She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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