This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
