no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My feet surprised me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
