Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.