woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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