I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
