I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
whose parrot is this?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
