I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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