oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
