apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
