Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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