By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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