I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can't put those talents on a resume
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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