I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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