We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
His hands were made for my vagina.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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