My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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