I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
