He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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