Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
