don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
