remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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