My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
