Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
