Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
