I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
