I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
