do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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