Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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