Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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