she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
