I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wear drunk well.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
