Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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