Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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