Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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