Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
